Howlers

By Auntie Oscura (Screwtape is a second cousin once removed on my father's side)

C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

This man is the not-so-dearly-departed English writer, who caused plenty of trouble for us in his earthly life. It just makes it all the more annoying that we still have to deal with his sixty-plus writings on our Enemy. It makes me want to vomit when I consider how he converted to Christianity and defended that old relic--the Roman Catholic Church--when he wasn't even a Catholic! He defend her through satire, no less. Pardon the human expression, but what the hell. How dare he turn our darkness against us with the Enemy's own invention of words. It's just too much, and under Screwtape's name!  For better results with your own patients, do not mention to anyone Lewis's friendship with that ultimate Catholic loser J. R. R. Tolkien. Squash at all costs the rumors that Lewis would have come into the Church if he had just lived a bit longer and had a few more discussions with that hobbit-like man.



Peter Kreeft, The Snakebite Letters: Devilishly Devious Secrets for Subverting Society As Taught In Tempter's Training School

Get a good look at this face because this is another traitorous convert to that doddering institution.  Worst of all this one seems to have been taking notes and has made Lewis's WWII satire relevant to a modern USA with an American patient. This is a disturbing development for us because before we could have simply whispered to our patients that Lewis's words were outdated, "Why of course those old ideas are no longer relevant to you, darling. Don't worry just be a caring person and all will turn out well." Yeah, right. This Kreeft seems to be up to Lewis's nincompoopery again and affirming the Enemy's Word. Could someone please distract him during Mass. Nothing too obvious. Just get him thinking about how cute his grandkids are, or how wonderful that Avenger's movie was. Anything. So what if there was a line in the movie about there being only one, true Enemy. It's a small price for us to pay if it means that Kreeft takes his mind off what is really happening in the Mass, when that little bit of bread turns into...DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT!

Mary Eberstadt, The Loser Letters: A Comic Tale of Life, Death, and Atheism
Well, this one's a bit different than the other two, but don't be fooled by those big, innocent eyes. She's as much trouble as the other two and has been up to mischief much more recently. She's one of those Cradle Catholics. She's a tough nut to crack make no mistake. Not because of the whole Cradle Catholic business. No, we're old pros at lulling those ones into a false sense of security in the Enemy before setting them a drift into the world thinking that they're with Him, when they just haven't realized that they abandoned Him long ago. Oh, good times. Good times in deed. Back to the matter at hand, this Eberstadt woman is a problem. She's written something with a female narrator exposing our avid, atheistic supporters' weaknesses. I can't tell you how dangerous this is for us.  Before we had had such success with those surplus Eves by getting them to believe that the Church was too patriarchal, too masculine with all of those priests and bishops. Now, we have this female author making a female narrator talking to our athiests. Needless to say, she must be stopped at all costs.  We don't need another disgusting human poking light into our darkness.

"The Enduring Creepiness of Uncle Screwtape" to arrive on May 23.